Bluemudbabble

The Rationale Behind My Quitting

The things I learned there, were mostly serving the system, not me.

Although at the beginning of this path as a civil servant, I already felt something was wrong, it’s hard to pinpoint what, let alone making up the mind to actually leave.

“Maybe I just haven’t gotten used to it?” “Maybe I will feel better once in another position doing different things?”

Those questions kept coming back, making it hard to see clear. After almost 4 years working in the government, I knew I wouldn’t regret if I quit, when I realized:

There is nothing more I want to learn

Most of the time in this bureaucratic system, I learned how to be smooth, tolerant of (or protect myself from) the whimsical ideas from higher-ups. I learned how to prevent cases from blooming (it means the supervisors want me to investigate the cases in unexpected, unreasonable directions, or deal with it with unnecessary, extra care).

I learned a lot of SOPs, which are aimed to show the government follows protocols but take up time not proportional to its importance. Yes, I learned how to protect the harmony in the workplace, a vital social skill.

However, the things I learned there, were mostly serving the system, not me.

After 2 and a half year in my first position, I tried to give the government job another try. In my first unit, I was in charge of many different things, and among them I found administrative investigation the most tolerable, and occasionally gave me a sense of achievement. Therefore, I volunteered to transfer to a higher level where (I think) all I could do was investigation. Unfortunately, I wasn’t doing investigation myself. My job was to review others' reports (the kind I once wrote) and poke holes at them. Those skills, though could be useful in this system in the future, wasn’t all that meaningful to me. I didn’t care where the cases went. Plus, I couldn’t use it in other areas of my life.

With the final hope distinguished, I knew this there was nothing more I wanted to learn in this place.

The Future is Bleak

Job content-wise, there is nothing left I want to try, which is sufficient enough to quit. But the decision wasn’t entirely based on that reason.

When people are grinding willingly, they may be imagining a better future: a better title, better salary, or having more autonomy. However, from what I observed in my supervisors, as time passes, things will only get worse.

From the experience, I knew neither titles or salaries would motivate me, and there is no such thing as autonomy in the government environment. Would being a supervisor give me more latitude? the reality is, not only does that require more obedience to the arbitrary standards with more responsibility, but I will also have to ask my subordinates to follow rules, when I myself can’t defend their values in the first place.

What about stability? That’s what most people in the system care about, right? I’m sorry to tell you, but the only thing stable in the government is salary. The rest? Work location, workload, work content, promotion, etc., are all at the mercy of the bureaucratic system.

Plus, stability in salary has another psychological effect: the disconnection between income and work kills motivation. No matter how hard you work, the salary climbs slowly, and you earn just as much as those who don’t work that hard. When there was no cases to work on, I could only sit in front of the computer, browsing the Internet, listening to YouTube videos, or looking for ramen shops to try out (but couldn’t do it under broad daylight).

In the end, instead of offering security, stability was another shackle, both on the mind and body.

Gut Feelings Come First

Interestingly, though I can offer a list of reasons I wanted to leave the government job now, I didn’t persuade myself into leaving after doing a pros & cons comparison. As aforementioned, I felt something was wrong first, and then I made the reasoning.

It’s not easy to do. There were voices questioning myself, “Am I a fragile strawberry?” or “Maybe I am not responsible enough?” Sometimes I felt I hadn’t grown up because I couldn’t accept the draining patterns in the government work, whereas people around me seemed to be fine with them.

Nonetheless, when I stopped beating myself up, took the feelings and emotions seriously, took time to observe and dissect the ecosystem, it dawned on me that this place is fundamentally incompatible with how I operate, how I would like to grow.

The journey started as “feeing off”, but it didn’t end there. I explored this system as much I could, thought thoroughly, and saved for my escape fund. Doing so make the decision to quit much more comfortable and reassuring.